My friend told me she heard about a new diet.
“Well, what is the diet?” I asked.
“It’s Kleenex.”
“A diet of Kleenex?”
“Yes. Celebrities eat the Kleenex instead of food items. It makes them ‘full’”
“Hmmmm”
I decided not to do that particular diet,
because I don’t like things that are spelled with a K when they seem like they should be spelled with a C.
An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard
Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.
I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.
All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?
…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!
The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.
The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.
This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.
Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.
And I think you should consider an alternate career.
***Leave a comment telling me your favorite snack.I will randomly (not really. I’ll pick whichever one I deem funniest/best/most original/least gross) choose a winner. Winner receives the snack of his or her choice, courtesy of me.Cannot exceed $10. Contest ends 8/25/2011 at 11pm. Limit one entry per person.***
i was wondering
what is your favorite type of snack?
as long as it’s not pickles from a bag
we should be fine
yeah…we’ll probably get along just fine
(unless you’re just a dick in general)
Some people think they’re pretty tasty
I’ve seen people buy them in line at the gas station and i’m always like, “Ew, nasty”
i secretly judge those people
i just don’t get it
what do they enjoy about the pickles
besides that they’re convenient?
one time i asked the owner of the corner store
what was the target demographic for those
he said mainly truckers.
