So far, I have bought zero Christmas presents this year. Well, I did order a pretty badass leather jacket for my boyfriend, but that was mainly because my Ambien kicked in before I went to bed. And because of love, or whatever.
Anyway, I bet a lot of you are sitting around stumped. You are so stumped* about what to buy for people you secretly despise but are, for whatever reason, forced to buy a gift for. Well, you don’t have to be stumped any longer because I made you this list. Consider yourself un-stumped and consider this my Christmas gift to you.
*The word stumped makes me giggle.
Um, so here’s the list.
1. Scary doll
Give to: Your bratty niece.
No, that’s not a picture of a real baby. It’s a doll. A creepy, disturbing, way too realistic for comfort DOLL. According to the website, “The nostrils are opened so the baby can breathe and also gives a lifelike baby finish.” …so the doll can breathe. Imagine it in your room at night, all lifelike and shit. Oh, and it has veins and stuff too. And some of them come with fake heartbeats. This is a good gift for a kid whose parents you also secretly despise since the doll is creepy to both adults and children.
Where to find it: Here
2. Yams
Artist: Natalie Dee
Give to: Your annoying coworkers during the company Christmas Potluck
Yams are the most disgusting of all of the foods. The canned variety…sorry I can’t write about this anymore without feeling sick.
Where to find it: The sketchy grocery store down the street.
3. Willow on DVD
Give to: Random person whose name you drew for Secret Santa.
Willow is the lamest movie I’ve ever seen, and not even in a “so lame it’s hilarious” way. Everything about this film is crazy annoying, which makes it a perfect present for someone who is also crazy annoying.
Where to find it: Bargain bin of any big box store.
4. Membership to an inmate dating website
Give to: Your friend or coworker who spends every. single. minute. whining about being single.
InmatePassions.com is an actual thing that exists.
From the website:
“Whether you spent a little time in prison, or the local jail, or you are under house arrest, Inmate Passions is a site where you aren’t judged for your past mistakes, but rather, you are accepted regardless of them.”
Enough said.
Where to find it: The internet. Duh.
5. One-Way Ticket to North Korea
Give to: Your loud, obnoxious neighbor.
This will only work if your annoying neighbor is completely clueless, but it’s worth a shot. Just tell him Kim Jong-i throws the siiiiiickest parties. Merry Christmas, bro!
Where to find it: Air China appears to be your only option.
