flying on a plane is the most trapped you can be, even more so than when you’re on the train. if someone ‘loses it’ there is no way to separate yourself from them and everyone is on edge or on klonopin so i doubt that any of my fellow passengers would be helpful in the event of an emergency.

the first time i visited new york i was terrified of the train and being enclosed underground with strangers. i insisted on taking cabs everywhere because i ‘had a bad feeling’. after my trip i saw on the news that a man brought a chainsaw onto the subway and slashed up random passengers. he didn’t have a reason, really-his victims were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. usually it feels satisfying to be ‘right’ but this particular time it didn’t.

on my most recent trip to new york i used a car service during rush hour and the traffic felt like it went on forever and i didn’t know whether i should attempt to make conversation with the driver or just leave him alone. i thought about all the things he would rather be doing than driving a stranger to the airport and i wondered did he hate me (yes). then i had a panic attack and didn’t speak for the rest of the trip.

if you decide to walk getting mugged is an obvious concern but also a piano could fall from a second story window and crush you to bits. (if you are in a cartoon substitute an anvil for a piano).

being crushed by a piano is how i would prefer to die, i think.

This week I asked (demanded that) my wonderful boyfriend Adam Sweaters write a guest post. Naturally, he decided to write about me, and I think he did a pretty good job of not making me sound like a complete psycho. His take on life with me:

“Adam! Adam! Adam! Wake up and untangle these necklaces now! I have to leave in 2 minutes!” I’m jerked out of whatever good/bad dream I was having and into a race against time with what at stake? Oh, just my very soul, thats all. Thus begins a typical day with Nichole.

The night is then winded down by passing out to a marathon of (insert 90′s sitcom/drama here), exchanging goofy stories and we’re back where we started. One of the best things about life with Nichole is that although there plenty of days just like I described, the odds are tomorrow will be absolutely nothing like I described. Amazing? Stress-inducing? Apocalyptic? Nutty? Bratty? Cutesy? Fashionable? Creative? Yes. All of the things.

You can check out Adam’s blog here

2. Devon Sawa, Casper

Our relationship was very brief. We met at a Halloween party, and by the time I got back from getting some punch he was already dancing with another girl! I confronted him and he fed me some bullshit line about how we could never work because he was turning into a ghost at the end of the night.Really? He couldn’t come up with something more believable than that? Wow. Obviously crazy. So glad I escaped that one before it got too serious.

3. Sam (does he even have a last name?), Clarissa Explains it All

He was so adorable but I could never trust him. He was always hanging out with this Clarissa chick who he claimed was just a friend. Yeah right. Dude had a ladder leading into her bedroom. Over it.

4. Trent Lane, Daria

He cared way more about his band than he did about me. Even as a teen I was so not into the whole broke musician thing. Also he just seemed kind of…2 dimensional? Next.

5. Doogie Howser, Doogie Howser, M.D.

At first I was just using him to improve my SAT scores, and my parents LOVED him since he was a 16 year old doctor and all. But something just felt…off, like he wasn’t really into me no matter how hard I tried. I could never shake the nagging suspicion that he might be gay…

I am nocturnal by nature. Not only has this new work/sleep schedule killed my social life, but it’s also in the process of destroying my creative side. The last thing I want to do after staring at a computer all day is come home and stare at a computer more. But I’m not going get a full-time writing job by being lazy, so I promise to post more from now on.

In order to escape my 9-5 fate and be able to pursue my literary dreams, my 2012 resolution is to get rich by any legal means possible. I have devised a list of possible ways to get rich, some of them plausible and some (most) of them not.

1. Jewels

At some point in history, people decided that jewels are crazy valuable. I don’t really understand why…they’re just shiny things from the ground. I tried Googling it but I just got all of these search results involving video games. Anyway, my plan is to dig around for a little while, find some bling, and then, you know, be rich. Seems easy enough.

2. Start a Cult

Did some research and it turns out cult leaders are usually really charismatic or whatever. That could be a problem since I’m,um,not…but my boyfriend is! He’s a musician and has tons of obsessed teen/early 20s fangirls who would probably do anything he told them to…like give us all their money! Now I just have to convince him that this is a good idea…

3. Good, Honest Hard Work

Just kidding! Do I look like a midwesterner to you?

4. Free Money from the Government!

So there’s this guy named Matthew Lesko and if you order his books you can learn how to get free money from the government! Not only does he have immaculate taste in suits, but he could help me get rich!

Oh…it turns that most of the grants Lesko mentions in his books are only available to very specific groups of people (like farmers, or scientists. not struggling writers).

Also, he admitted to plagiarizing all of his content.

This guy is kind of my hero.

5. Sweepstakes

If I quit my job and spend all of my spare time entering sweepstakes, I’m bound to win eventually, right?! Hold on, some guy with a giant check is at my door…

If none of these ideas work out, I will just have to resign myself to watching Roseanne and eating Doritos. That doesn’t sound so bad. Except for the Roseanne part.

My neighbor is currently banging around his apartment, yelling things like “Fuck!” and “I DARE you.”

(I don’t think there is anyone else in the apartment with him, so I am highly curious as to who he is daring to do what.)

These shouts are accompanied by what sounds like bowling (?), scraping noises, and things being thrown.

Once I heard him having sex, and the young lady he was…sexing starting singing a Bruno Mars song after it was over. I had to Google the lyrics to make sure, but yes, it was Bruno Mars.

I feel as though I lost the right to complain about neighborly matters when the arsonist downstairs torched my old apartment. (While I was inside, but that’s a post for another time.)

Really, all I feel like writing about lately is Melrose Place.

I have so much to say: the haircuts, the convertibles, the backstabbing…it’s all too much! On the episode I’m watching right now a character has AMNESIA and there’s a briefcase full of money! Why can’t my neighbors be like the ones on MP? We could all hang out and have pool parties and occasionally a few scandals here and there.

Anyway, would you all still read this if it was a completely Melrose-centric blog for awhile? No? It’s ok, I rarely follow through with these ideas anyway.

Anyway, I bet a lot of you are sitting around stumped. You are so stumped* about what to buy for people you secretly despise but are, for whatever reason, forced to buy a gift for. Well, you don’t have to be stumped any longer because I made you this list. Consider yourself un-stumped and consider this my Christmas gift to you.

*The word stumped makes me giggle.

Um, so here’s the list.

1. Scary doll

Give to: Your bratty niece.

No, that’s not a picture of a real baby. It’s a doll. A creepy, disturbing, way too realistic for comfort DOLL. According to the website, “The nostrils are opened so the baby can breathe and also gives a lifelike baby finish.” …so the doll can breathe. Imagine it in your room at night, all lifelike and shit. Oh, and it has veins and stuff too. And some of them come with fake heartbeats. This is a good gift for a kid whose parents you also secretly despise since the doll is creepy to both adults and children.

Where to find it: Here

2. Yams

Artist: Natalie Dee

Give to: Your annoying coworkers during the company Christmas Potluck

Yams are the most disgusting of all of the foods. The canned variety…sorry I can’t write about this anymore without feeling sick.

Where to find it: The sketchy grocery store down the street.

3. Willow on DVD

Give to: Random person whose name you drew for Secret Santa.

Willow is the lamest movie I’ve ever seen, and not even in a “so lame it’s hilarious” way. Everything about this film is crazy annoying, which makes it a perfect present for someone who is also crazy annoying.

Where to find it: Bargain bin of any big box store.

4. Membership to an inmate dating website

Give to: Your friend or coworker who spends every. single. minute. whining about being single.

InmatePassions.com is an actual thing that exists.

From the website:

“Whether you spent a little time in prison, or the local jail, or you are under house arrest, Inmate Passions is a site where you aren’t judged for your past mistakes, but rather, you are accepted regardless of them.”

Enough said.

Where to find it: The internet. Duh.

5. One-Way Ticket to North Korea

Give to: Your loud, obnoxious neighbor.

This will only work if your annoying neighbor is completely clueless, but it’s worth a shot. Just tell him Kim Jong-i throws the siiiiiickest parties. Merry Christmas, bro!

Where to find it: Air China appears to be your only option.

My friend told me she heard about a new diet.
“Well, what is the diet?” I asked.
“It’s Kleenex.”
“A diet of Kleenex?”
“Yes. Celebrities eat the Kleenex instead of food items. It makes them ‘full’”
“Hmmmm”
I decided not to do that particular diet,
because I don’t like things that are spelled with a K when they seem like they should be spelled with a C.

technical ones. working them out right now.

If you’re looking for health advice, then you came to the wrong place. However, you should keep reading and send me a thank you letter because laughter is the best medicine or whatever.

1. Being sick gives you the perfect opportunity to use dramatic, old-timey phrases like “I have been taken ill.” Try to see how many you can use in one day.

2. Use WebMD to diagnose yourself. No matter what symptoms you enter it always says you have either cancer or AIDS. Freak out accordingly.

3. If someone offers to bring you soup (or crackers) take them up on it, even if other people have already brought you food. If you play your cards right you could end up with enough food for the entire week!

4. Fun with prescription drugs. Need I say more?

5. Demand a fancy Victorian fainting couch to recline on.

6. Post Oregon Trail style updates on all of the social networking websites you are a member of. Example: “Nichole has taken a turn for the worst.”

7. Drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest, or whatever.

I spent the weekend acting in a short film. Film acting involves a lot of sitting around, goofing off, and eating snacks, so really it’s the perfect job for me.

I found out that one of the crew members grew up on the same street I used to live on in Memphis. We hit it off, and in between takes he told me stories about his childhood. Eventually, he divulged to me that he had played Pockets in the classic 90s film Hook! Whaaat?!!! Meeting a child actor from Hook is possibly the best thing that can happen to anyone, ever, so I couldn’t believe my luck!

When he told me this, I was amazed. I texted one of my best friends, and since she had a fever she was equally amazed and did not question the validity of his statement. Also, as my most rational and logical friend, she failed to mention that this kid was probably lying. But she had a fever, so I guess it’s ok. (love you, B. Feel better!)

When I got home after shooting, I was so excited to tell my boyfriend that I hung out with the actor who played Pockets in Hook. I Googled him…and quickly realized it was not the same person.

I had been tricked. Tricked bad.

The next day I had to be on set really early. I told the makeup artist what happened, and we planned an elaborate scheme….

When Jerome (AKA NOT Pockets from Hook) got on set, I ran up to him.

“My little sister is a huge fan of your movie. I know this is a lot to ask, but I was wondering…do you think you could maybe visit her in the hospital? It would mean a lot.”

Jerome hid from me all day. He avoided eye contact every time I saw him.

After the film wrapped, I found him outside.

“Here’s your autograph back. My sister is going to be so disappointed. Thanks a lot.”

He looked like he was about to cry, so I couldn’t keep up the joke any longer. I told Jerome (NOT POCKETS!) that the joke was on him this time.

“What?!!! I spent all day worrying I was going to be on the news and everyone was going to find out.”

“Nah. I’m an only child. Later Pockets!”