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My 90s TV (and movie) Boyfriends

15 Jan

1. Shawn Hunter, Boy Meets World

Poor hot vulnerable Shawn. I’ve always had a thing for damaged types, and I even stuck by him when he went crazy and joined a cult! I really thought this one would last, but his friends were so annoying. Cory “Nerd Alert” Matthews, and Topanga…don’t even get me started. I thought we would bond over our shared love of giant hair, but she was always trying to talk me into doing weird interpretive dances. No thanks. Plus, they always insisted on hanging out at the same restaurant. Every. Single. Night.

2. Devon Sawa, Casper

Our relationship was very brief. We met at a Halloween party, and by the time I got back from getting some punch he was already dancing with another girl! I confronted him and he fed me some bullshit line about how we could never work because he was turning into a ghost at the end of the night.Really? He couldn’t come up with something more believable than that? Wow. Obviously crazy. So glad I escaped that one before it got too serious.

3. Sam (does he even have a last name?), Clarissa Explains it All

He was so adorable but I could never trust him. He was always hanging out with this Clarissa chick who he claimed was just a friend. Yeah right. Dude had a ladder leading into her bedroom. Over it.

4. Trent Lane, Daria

He cared way more about his band than he did about me. Even as a teen I was so not into the whole broke musician thing. Also he just seemed kind of…2 dimensional? Next.

5. Doogie Howser, Doogie Howser, M.D.

At first I was just using him to improve my SAT scores, and my parents LOVED him since he was a 16 year old doctor and all. But something just felt…off, like he wasn’t really into me no matter how hard I tried. I could never shake the nagging suspicion that he might be gay…

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Get Rich or….Die Trying?

9 Jan

Recently a lot of a few people have asked me why I haven’t blogged in awhile. The simple answer is, I got an 8-5 job. I can’t really go into much detail as I had to sign a confidentiality agreement. For me the term “confidentiality agreement” brings to mind super exciting jobs, like working for celebrities or the CIA, but this isn’t one of them. Even if I could tell you about it, I wouldn’t because your eyes would glaze over in boredom and you would click the little x in the top of the screen and probably unsubscribe.

I am nocturnal by nature. Not only has this new work/sleep schedule killed my social life, but it’s also in the process of destroying my creative side. The last thing I want to do after staring at a computer all day is come home and stare at a computer more. But I’m not going get a full-time writing job by being lazy, so I promise to post more from now on.

In order to escape my 9-5 fate and be able to pursue my literary dreams, my 2012 resolution is to get rich by any legal means possible. I have devised a list of possible ways to get rich, some of them plausible and some (most) of them not.

1. Jewels

At some point in history, people decided that jewels are crazy valuable. I don’t really understand why…they’re just shiny things from the ground. I tried Googling it but I just got all of these search results involving video games. Anyway, my plan is to dig around for a little while, find some bling, and then, you know, be rich. Seems easy enough.

2. Start a Cult

Did some research and it turns out cult leaders are usually really charismatic or whatever. That could be a problem since I’m,um,not…but my boyfriend is! He’s a musician and has tons of obsessed teen/early 20s fangirls who would probably do anything he told them to…like give us all their money! Now I just have to convince him that this is a good idea…

3. Good, Honest Hard Work

Just kidding! Do I look like a midwesterner to you?

4. Free Money from the Government!

So there’s this guy named Matthew Lesko and if you order his books you can learn how to get free money from the government! Not only does he have immaculate taste in suits, but he could help me get rich!

Oh…it turns that most of the grants Lesko mentions in his books are only available to very specific groups of people (like farmers, or scientists. not struggling writers).

Also, he admitted to plagiarizing all of his content.

This guy is kind of my hero.

5. Sweepstakes

If I quit my job and spend all of my spare time entering sweepstakes, I’m bound to win eventually, right?! Hold on, some guy with a giant check is at my door…

If none of these ideas work out, I will just have to resign myself to watching Roseanne and eating Doritos. That doesn’t sound so bad. Except for the Roseanne part.

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Passive Aggressive Christmas Gifts

5 Dec

So far, I have bought zero Christmas presents this year. Well, I did order a pretty badass leather jacket for my boyfriend, but that was mainly because my Ambien kicked in before I went to bed. And because of love, or whatever.

Anyway, I bet a lot of you are sitting around stumped. You are so stumped* about what to buy for people you secretly despise but are, for whatever reason, forced to buy a gift for. Well, you don’t have to be stumped any longer because I made you this list. Consider yourself un-stumped and consider this my Christmas gift to you.

*The word stumped makes me giggle.

Um, so here’s the list.

1. Scary doll

Give to: Your bratty niece.

No, that’s not a picture of a real baby. It’s a doll. A creepy, disturbing, way too realistic for comfort DOLL. According to the website, “The nostrils are opened so the baby can breathe and also gives a lifelike baby finish.” …so the doll can breathe. Imagine it in your room at night, all lifelike and shit. Oh, and it has veins and stuff too. And some of them come with fake heartbeats. This is a good gift for a kid whose parents you also secretly despise since the doll is creepy to both adults and children.

Where to find it: Here

2. Yams

Artist: Natalie Dee

Give to: Your annoying coworkers during the company Christmas Potluck

Yams are the most disgusting of all of the foods. The canned variety…sorry I can’t write about this anymore without feeling sick.

Where to find it: The sketchy grocery store down the street.

3. Willow on DVD

Give to: Random person whose name you drew for Secret Santa.

Willow is the lamest movie I’ve ever seen, and not even in a “so lame it’s hilarious” way. Everything about this film is crazy annoying, which makes it a perfect present for someone who is also crazy annoying.

Where to find it: Bargain bin of any big box store.

4. Membership to an inmate dating website

Give to: Your friend or coworker who spends every. single. minute. whining about being single.

InmatePassions.com is an actual thing that exists.

From the website:

“Whether you spent a little time in prison, or the local jail, or you are under house arrest, Inmate Passions is a site where you aren’t judged for your past mistakes, but rather, you are accepted regardless of them.”

Enough said.

Where to find it: The internet. Duh.

5. One-Way Ticket to North Korea

Give to: Your loud, obnoxious neighbor.

This will only work if your annoying neighbor is completely clueless, but it’s worth a shot. Just tell him Kim Jong-i throws the siiiiiickest parties. Merry Christmas, bro!

Where to find it: Air China appears to be your only option.

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Pockets

14 Nov

I spent the weekend acting in a short film. Film acting involves a lot of sitting around, goofing off, and eating snacks, so really it’s the perfect job for me.

I found out that one of the crew members grew up on the same street I used to live on in Memphis. We hit it off, and in between takes he told me stories about his childhood. Eventually, he divulged to me that he had played Pockets in the classic 90s film Hook! Whaaat?!!! Meeting a child actor from Hook is possibly the best thing that can happen to anyone, ever, so I couldn’t believe my luck!

When he told me this, I was amazed. I texted one of my best friends, and since she had a fever she was equally amazed and did not question the validity of his statement. Also, as my most rational and logical friend, she failed to mention that this kid was probably lying. But she had a fever, so I guess it’s ok. (love you, B. Feel better!)

When I got home after shooting, I was so excited to tell my boyfriend that I hung out with the actor who played Pockets in Hook. I Googled him…and quickly realized it was not the same person.

I had been tricked. Tricked bad.

The next day I had to be on set really early. I told the makeup artist what happened, and we planned an elaborate scheme….

When Jerome (AKA NOT Pockets from Hook) got on set, I ran up to him.

“My little sister is a huge fan of your movie. I know this is a lot to ask, but I was wondering…do you think you could maybe visit her in the hospital? It would mean a lot.”

Jerome hid from me all day. He avoided eye contact every time I saw him.

After the film wrapped, I found him outside.

“Here’s your autograph back. My sister is going to be so disappointed. Thanks a lot.”

He looked like he was about to cry, so I couldn’t keep up the joke any longer. I told Jerome (NOT POCKETS!) that the joke was on him this time.

“What?!!! I spent all day worrying I was going to be on the news and everyone was going to find out.”

“Nah. I’m an only child. Later Pockets!”

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Interview with a Non Celebrity who May Someday Become a Celebrity: Awkward Eldon

27 Oct

Everyone knows that the best part of being a writer is getting to ask strangers intrusive questions about their personal lives. Requests are for the weak, so I demanded
that Patrick of Awkward Eldon answer a few questions. For some reason he refused to give me his home address (?), so the entire interview was done over email.

Don’t worry, he is not currently locked in my basement.

I don’t have a basement.

Here’s a picture I stole from his Facebook account. Used without permission.

Nichole:Tell me a horrific memory from your childhood.

Patrick:I once fell asleep on my front lawn. Upon waking, I felt something rather tingly in my nose. When I blew my nose, about 6 dead ants came out. I was five. Also, my cousin once peed on a tortilla and tried to feed it to me. You can’t come back from something like that.

Nichole: If you could meet/stalk any celebrity blogger (excluding me) who would it be and why?

Patrick:As in celebs that blog? Or blogs about celebs? Or maybe celebs that blog about other celebs – it’s like real people don’t exist or something. I’m going to go with the first. And I’d have to pick Jacqueline Laurita from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Don’t judge me. I’d also like to see her take down Teresa Giudice. Like, push her face in a pile of dirt or dead spiders or something. I’m not a violent person, though.

Nichole:What is your spirit animal and why?

Patrick:In order to answer this question correctly I completed an online survey that answered this question for me. And I’m obviously a wolf. A pack animal, ya dig? Because I hate being alone and love to suffocate people with my raw emotion and intense feelings. I’d say try not to get to close to me, but you really wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. My love tentacles enjoy smothering people, and you could be their next victim. Congratulations! Also, I sometimes wish congratulations was spelled with a ‘d’ in the middle instead of a ‘t’. That ‘t’ is so lame.

[Editor's note: I agree about the T.]

Nichole:When was the last time you cried (non-American Idol related)?

Patrick:A couple of weeks ago – I watched a series of baby elephant videos on youtube. They’ll change your life.

Nichole:If Awkward Eldon had its own theme song, what would the lyrics be? (Audio File encouraged!)

This is a toughy. As far as lyrics go, I couldn’t tell ya. I enjoy more the feeling a song gives me. And if there’s a song that gives off a feeling close to the feeling I have when writing the blog, it’s Mary Roach’s American Idol audition over I Feel The Earth Move. You can’t help but feel embarrassed for her. And scared for the judges. That’s, in a lot of ways, what Awkward Eldon is like. I’m embarrassed for myself, and for my creepy friends. I’m also terrified for you all (the 3 or 4 people who follow). Cheers.

[Editor's note: I was expecting him to buy studio time and RECORD a theme song. Ugh]

You can follow Patrick/Awkward Eldon on Facebook…if you really want to.

Check back this weekend for a very special Halloween giveaway!

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hilarity ensues

21 Oct

Things that are unintentionally hilarious are far more hilarious than things that are intentionally…hilarious.

A couple of years ago, I answered a Craigslist ad (doesn’t every good story begin with that?) looking for actresses to do short infomercial type things for this new vegan awareness group. I was a vegan at the time.

The guy who was shooting the commercial was very nice and extremely passionate about his cause but…not really a film expert. He sat me down in front of the camera with a sheet of facts he printed off the internet, and then he made me claim I was a model and that we were filming in Hollywood, CA. Nevermind the fact that Nashville is a bajillion times better than LA.

This looks like it’s supposed to be a joke or a Christopher Guest mockumentary but unfortunately it’s serious. My favorite part is the dead soulless look in my eyes. And the editing. And what’s up with the inserts of the weird cut up looking hand?

*do not use this video to gauge my acting talent

*also I promise I’m not that creepy in real life

*also, I mean no disrespect to the guy who shot this. really. he is a very nice person.

Since I’ll be out of town on for an acting gig (that I didn’t find on Craigslist) and unable to blog for a few days, I figured I’d leave my lovely readers something to laugh at all weekend.

What is YOUR favorite part?!!

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