My friend told me she heard about a new diet.
“Well, what is the diet?” I asked.
“It’s Kleenex.”
“A diet of Kleenex?”
“Yes. Celebrities eat the Kleenex instead of food items. It makes them ‘full’”
“Hmmmm”
I decided not to do that particular diet,
because I don’t like things that are spelled with a K when they seem like they should be spelled with a C.
An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard
Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.
I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.
All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?
…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!
The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.
The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.
This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.
Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.
And I think you should consider an alternate career.
A little over a week ago, I ran a contest: time for a snack (CONTEST!)
I’ve finally sifted through all of the entries (ok, there were, like, 6 ) and chosen a winner.
Congratulations, Edward Hamlett II! Your entry made me laugh, cry, and never want to eat corn again.
The winning entry:
Damn you Corn
Damn you corn! I don’t get u at times
Do you wanna be HIS chips, HER popcorn, or
one of MY cracker barrel dinner sides
I told you how I loved to nibble your bits
Then you go flattening into chips and
Doing this late night movies in a bucket sh–t
I want you on my cob baby please
but how you swish around different mouths
I don’t wanna be diseased
You better make up your mind
Oh girl you’re such a tease
You know those buttery little niblets make
me weak in the knees
Said she’d would listen to my
pleas and make me happy tonight
at dinner.
But instead
You showed up off the cob
again as a piece of nasty bread
Honorable mention goes to Coley and Kendallicious.
Enjoy your candy corn, Edward!
