Nichole Explains It All » please hire me

Get Rich or….Die Trying?

earthtonichole — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:29:34 +0000

Recently ~~a lot of~~ a few people have asked me why I haven’t blogged in awhile. The simple answer is, I got an 8-5 job. I can’t really go into much detail as I had to sign a confidentiality agreement. For me the term “confidentiality agreement” brings to mind super exciting jobs, like working for celebrities or the CIA, but this isn’t one of them. Even if I could tell you about it, I wouldn’t because your eyes would glaze over in boredom and you would click the little x in the top of the screen and probably unsubscribe.

I am nocturnal by nature. Not only has this new work/sleep schedule killed my social life, but it’s also in the process of destroying my creative side. The last thing I want to do after staring at a computer all day is come home and stare at a computer more. But I’m not going get a full-time writing job by being lazy, so I promise to post more from now on.

In order to escape my 9-5 fate and be able to pursue my literary dreams, my 2012 resolution is to get rich by any ~~legal~~ means possible. I have devised a list of possible ways to get rich, some of them plausible and some (most) of them not.

1. Jewels

At some point in history, people decided that jewels are crazy valuable. I don’t really understand why…they’re just shiny things from the ground. I tried Googling it but I just got all of these search results involving video games. Anyway, my plan is to dig around for a little while, find some bling, and then, you know, be rich. Seems easy enough.

2. Start a Cult

Did some research and it turns out cult leaders are usually really charismatic or whatever. That could be a problem since I’m,um,not…but my boyfriend is! He’s a musician and has tons of obsessed teen/early 20s fangirls who would probably do anything he told them to…like give us all their money! Now I just have to convince him that this is a good idea…

3. Good, Honest Hard Work

Just kidding! Do I look like a midwesterner to you?

4. Free Money from the Government!

So there’s this guy named Matthew Lesko and if you order his books you can learn how to get free money from the government! Not only does he have immaculate taste in suits, but he could help me get rich!

Oh…it turns that most of the grants Lesko mentions in his books are only available to very specific groups of people (like farmers, or scientists. not struggling writers).

Also, he admitted to plagiarizing all of his content.

This guy is kind of my hero.

5. Sweepstakes

If I quit my job and spend all of my spare time entering sweepstakes, I’m bound to win eventually, right?! Hold on, some guy with a giant check is at my door…

If none of these ideas work out, I will just have to resign myself to watching Roseanne and eating Doritos. That doesn’t sound so bad. Except for the Roseanne part.

depths of despair!

earthtonichole — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 17:18:32 +0000

I am wearing my pajamas and a vintage faux fur coat and my hair is in a 2 day old disheveled beehive style. I have refreshed my email 20 times in the last hour.

If I did get The Job, I wouldn’t be able to be sitting here in my apartment at 11:39 on a Wednesday. If I did get The Job, I would be at work right now, probably anxiously awaiting a snack break, or furiously scribbling down a song idea, longing to escape my Place Of Employment. I’d probably be wishing I could write. But instead here I am in this apartment, where I can write all day if I choose, and I’m wishing I could be at The Job.

If I was at The Job I wouldn’t have time to perfect my Tracy Morgan impression, or concoct new recipes from things that are left in my kitchen cupboards, or compose J-pop inspired synth melodies. I wouldn’t have time to drive all the way across town to go to the good grocery store instead of hurriedly popping in to the crappy neighborhood Kroger that smells like crackheads and rotten eggs.

I also wouldn’t have time to feel like total shit about myself for being a twenty something college graduate who for some reason cannot find a full-time job. Not even at a restaurant or a retail store. I would not have time to make an exhaustive mental list of all of my shortcomings and flaws and wonder if I did something in a past life to render me unemployable.

I refresh my email one more time. They said I should expect to hear from them about a second interview within 24-48 hours. It has now been 48 hours and 12 minutes.

iGiveup.

How I Met My Neighbor

earthtonichole — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:44:39 +0000

Sometimes (always) freelance work doesn’t exactly pay the bills (at all, ever), so you have to think of more creative ways of making money. In these times of need I turn to Craigslist. No, not THAT section. Get your mind out of the gutter!

So, last Friday I was doing my usual end of the month ohcrapimbrokewhatuselessitemscanisell thing. Vintage shoes? Never. TV I haven’t turned on in over a year? Nah…I might need that someday. Wii Fit I never opened? DINGDINGDING!

I’m not particularly into video games or…fitness so this was obviously the perfect item to cash in on.

I hurriedly posted a clever, concise ad, expecting my inbox to be flooded with responses. Hours passed. Days passed. I reduced the price and eventually received this gem:

Will you be interested in trading wii fit for some mint rare & retired beanie babies ?

Um, moving on…

Fiiiiiinally I received an email from a non-creepy,non Beanie Baby collector who offered me cash. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of my apartment complex to make the transaction.

The buyer called to inform me she had arrived at the location. I came bounding out of my apartment, Wii Fit in hand. [I think it's important to mention that I had JUST woken up and had an extreme case of bedhead.]

“Hi! I’m Nichole. So, here’s the Wii Fit! It’s never been taken out of the box, but you can look at it if you need to.”

I enthusiastically handed her the item.

The women recoiled, refusing to accept my offering. A look of confusion and mild panic came over her face.

“I, um, already have one. My daughter has one too. I don’t need that.”

“Then WHY did you CALL me? WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME? Do you just randomly respond to Craigslist ads for your own amusement?! What is wrong with you?!!”

“My daughter is moving into this apartment complex today,” the woman replied.

Just then a young girl driving a U-Haul pulled into the parking lot.

She now lives across the hall from me.

And the original buyer? She had gotten lost and was at a different apartment complex down the street.

How Not to Meet Your Writing Deadline

earthtonichole — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:38:12 +0000

I am a fashion reporter for a semi-popular, semi-relevant website. Last weekend I received an assignment to interview designer Jay McCarroll. He is a Very Important Fashion Person. I’m not exactly sure how I got this job, but it’s the first time my journalism degree has ever been of any benefit to me. So, naturally, I’ve been procrastinating heavily. Anyway, I created this list of things to do if you want to miss your article deadline and lose your Semi (not really) Glamorous Writing Job.

1. Instead of writing from the solitude of your own home, go to the loudest, busiest coffee shop you can find. Bonus points if said coffee shop is blaring loud electro-pop!

2. Order a drink containing roughly 3 times the amount of caffeine you normally ingest on an average day. Or an average week.

3. Spend at least 5 minutes admiring the pattern of the foam in your latte. Decide you need to photograph this beautiful fall foam pattern, because the Internet definitely needs more generic pictures of coffee. Post the photograph to Instagram.

4. Sit no more than 3 feet away from a Loud Screaming Baby. It is imperative that you choose the loudest, screamiest (yes, I just penned that word) baby in the place. Bonus points if the baby has had a lot of coffee to drink.

5. If you cannot find a Loud Screaming Baby, sit directly behind a Highly Intriguing Person. Make sure you have a full view of their laptop screen. Discreetly spy on them.

6. Log in to Facebook. It is imperative that you have the chat function enabled. Decide that now is a good time to respond to questions from the Indian fan base you mysteriously acquired. (Yes, this is a Thing That Happened. I regularly receive email/Facebook requests from aspiring Bollywood actors. They are all under the false impression that I am very famous here and can help them succeed in acting.)

7. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend obsessively checking the battery life indicator on your laptop adds up to no less than 1 hour.

8. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend daydreaming about fronting a Rush tribute band adds up to no less than 2 hours. Bonus points if you compose an imaginary setlist.

9. Give up and realize you will never be a serious writer…

10. …because you can’t even compose a list of 10 ways to FAIL as a writer.

Careers I have in my Fantasy Life

earthtonichole — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 16:59:06 +0000

I’m currently designing business cards but I keep running into this problem:what do I list as my career?! I kind of do…a lot of the careers. Or at least a few of them. Sort of. I think I will just go with:

Nichole Jackson
consultant.

You know, keep it nice and vague. Keep the people guessing. Leave them wanting more. More…consulting. Yeeeeah.

Aaaaaanyway, here is a (partial) list of careers I would have in my perfect dream life, and my gross misinterpretations of what said careers would actually entail:

1. Detective/Spy
I am qualified for this career because I own a Michael Kors trenchcoat and also because one time my psychic told me that I AM ALSO A PSYCHIC! I can use that to solve crimes! Just imagine…lurkin’ in corners, crackin’ the case. I got this.

2. Motivational Speaker

Sometimes people ask me for advice, and I give them the advice, and they thank me and buy me a drink. So I already consider myself a motivational speaker of sorts, because my speech obviously motivates them. But in my fantasy life I will take this to the next level. I will tour college campuses, motivating students left and right. Imagine it. This song comes over the PA:

I saunter on stage and wait patiently for the applause to die down. I speak, motivationally, about “achieving your potential” and “positive thinking”. At the end of the presentation the students leave feeling motivated about their futures, high on hope and Rockstar Energy Drink (who will be sponsoring the tour). Then everyone will buy my book, which leads me to my next career….

3.Author
I’m working on a self-help/motivational book called “All You Have to Do is Ask”. It’s about how you can make all your wildest dreams come true just by…asking. Seriously. If you want something just ask for it. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the outcome. The idea came to me when I was hanging outside of a local venue and I REALLY wanted a pizza, but I was broke. A man walked out of the pizza place next door.

I said to the man, “I’m starving. Will you make me a cheesy pizza?”

“Sure.” he replied.

I sure wasn’t expecting that answer! 15 minutes later he emerged from the restaurant with an extra large cheesy pizza. It was enough for me and all of my friends to share. I felt like a hero that night. A pizza hero. The best kind of hero to be.

4. Fashion Guru
Not to be confused with fashion stylist. A fashion guru is someone all of the people look to for style advice. Someone like Tim Gunn. When I was in middle school I had a fashion advice blog (I think it was a Geocities page or something. Geocities. Ha.) Adults would ask me things like, “Is it ok to wear linen to an afternoon wedding?”. I always told them to wear something less boring. I’m not sure if they took the advice or not because I got bored and abandoned the blog altogether.

I might have missed my chance to be a fashion guru. I might have peaked in middle school.

5. Mermaid
(Not technically a career but this IS my fantasy life we are talking about.)

When I was a kid teachers would always ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

My classmates would answer with things like “architect” or “veterinarian”.

Me? I always went with mermaid. I’m still working on it. I have the hair pretty much down, and I can sing. However, my swimming skills still need improvement…

cover letter

earthtonichole — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 16:04:26 +0000

I applied for a job at a restaurant. I haven’t worked at a restaurant since…high school, maybe? So, I tried to win them over with wit and charm.

What follows is the actual cover letter I submitted.

Dear Ms. Norman:

While I may not have quite as much food service experience as some of your other applicants, I’m confident I would be a valuable asset to your establishment. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Working as an actress for the past 5 years has taught me to be outgoing and personable at all times, even when I don’t feel like it. So, even if I secretly can’t stand certain customers, or I’m having a bad day, no one will know. I’ve even played a server in movies. Twice!

2. Many of my friends work at Jackson’s. I won’t mention specific names since everyone hates a name dropper. Anyway, I come here to visit them often which has resulted in me becoming quite familiar with the menu. As a frequent customer, I can already tell I would get along with the rest of the staff swimmingly. No need to worry about inner-restaurant drama here.

3. Aside from the occasional glass of white wine, I’m not really much of a drinker. So, you won’t have to worry about me showing up to work hungover. This will also come in handy when you need me to cover someone’s shift at a moment’s notice. I don’t smoke, either, so I won’t require any cigarette breaks.

I came up with a much longer list of reasons why you should hire me, but I wanted to keep this brief. I know you’re very busy.

In all seriousness, I would love to be a part of the Jackson’s team. Please contact me when you are interested in scheduling an interview.

Best regards,

Nichole Jackson

I have yet to receive a call back, but apparently the letter has been quite the hit with the employees. The ones I would get along with. Swimmingly.