of all the different methods of travel, boats ‘feel’ the most safe but people can go missing and sometimes no one notices for days and also they take the longest time to arrive at their destination.. sinking is not something i worry about for the most part.
flying on a plane is the most trapped you can be, even more so than when you’re on the train. if someone ‘loses it’ there is no way to separate yourself from them and everyone is on edge or on klonopin so i doubt that any of my fellow passengers would be helpful in the event of an emergency.
the first time i visited new york i was terrified of the train and being enclosed underground with strangers. i insisted on taking cabs everywhere because i ‘had a bad feeling’. after my trip i saw on the news that a man brought a chainsaw onto the subway and slashed up random passengers. he didn’t have a reason, really-his victims were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. usually it feels satisfying to be ‘right’ but this particular time it didn’t.
on my most recent trip to new york i used a car service during rush hour and the traffic felt like it went on forever and i didn’t know whether i should attempt to make conversation with the driver or just leave him alone. i thought about all the things he would rather be doing than driving a stranger to the airport and i wondered did he hate me (yes). then i had a panic attack and didn’t speak for the rest of the trip.
if you decide to walk getting mugged is an obvious concern but also a piano could fall from a second story window and crush you to bits. (if you are in a cartoon substitute an anvil for a piano).
being crushed by a piano is how i would prefer to die, i think.
My friend told me she heard about a new diet.
“Well, what is the diet?” I asked.
“It’s Kleenex.”
“A diet of Kleenex?”
“Yes. Celebrities eat the Kleenex instead of food items. It makes them ‘full’”
“Hmmmm”
I decided not to do that particular diet,
because I don’t like things that are spelled with a K when they seem like they should be spelled with a C.
Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.
I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.
All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?
…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!
The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.
The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.
This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.
Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.
And I think you should consider an alternate career.
I’m currently designing business cards but I keep running into this problem:what do I list as my career?! I kind of do…a lot of the careers. Or at least a few of them. Sort of. I think I will just go with:
Nichole Jackson
consultant.
You know, keep it nice and vague. Keep the people guessing. Leave them wanting more. More…consulting. Yeeeeah.
Aaaaaanyway, here is a (partial) list of careers I would have in my perfect dream life, and my gross misinterpretations of what said careers would actually entail:
1. Detective/Spy
I am qualified for this career because I own a Michael Kors trenchcoat and also because one time my psychic told me that I AM ALSO A PSYCHIC! I can use that to solve crimes! Just imagine…lurkin’ in corners, crackin’ the case. I got this.
2. Motivational Speaker
Sometimes people ask me for advice, and I give them the advice, and they thank me and buy me a drink. So I already consider myself a motivational speaker of sorts, because my speech obviously motivates them. But in my fantasy life I will take this to the next level. I will tour college campuses, motivating students left and right. Imagine it. This song comes over the PA:
I saunter on stage and wait patiently for the applause to die down. I speak, motivationally, about “achieving your potential” and “positive thinking”. At the end of the presentation the students leave feeling motivated about their futures, high on hope and Rockstar Energy Drink (who will be sponsoring the tour). Then everyone will buy my book, which leads me to my next career….
3.Author
I’m working on a self-help/motivational book called “All You Have to Do is Ask”. It’s about how you can make all your wildest dreams come true just by…asking. Seriously. If you want something just ask for it. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the outcome. The idea came to me when I was hanging outside of a local venue and I REALLY wanted a pizza, but I was broke. A man walked out of the pizza place next door.
I said to the man, “I’m starving. Will you make me a cheesy pizza?”
“Sure.” he replied.
I sure wasn’t expecting that answer! 15 minutes later he emerged from the restaurant with an extra large cheesy pizza. It was enough for me and all of my friends to share. I felt like a hero that night. A pizza hero. The best kind of hero to be.
4. Fashion Guru
Not to be confused with fashion stylist. A fashion guru is someone all of the people look to for style advice. Someone like Tim Gunn. When I was in middle school I had a fashion advice blog (I think it was a Geocities page or something. Geocities. Ha.) Adults would ask me things like, “Is it ok to wear linen to an afternoon wedding?”. I always told them to wear something less boring. I’m not sure if they took the advice or not because I got bored and abandoned the blog altogether.
I might have missed my chance to be a fashion guru. I might have peaked in middle school.
5. Mermaid
(Not technically a career but this IS my fantasy life we are talking about.)
When I was a kid teachers would always ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My classmates would answer with things like “architect” or “veterinarian”.
Me? I always went with mermaid. I’m still working on it. I have the hair pretty much down, and I can sing. However, my swimming skills still need improvement…
“You’re like a wind-up toy. I never know what you’ll run into or what you’ll say.”
My friend Jesse told me that one night when I asked him how he could possibly handle hanging out with me.
(that was when I drank a lot.)
I don’t anymore, but that’s a story for another time.
Today, my bandmate pointed out that I tend to repeat the same phrases over and over.
(we’ve been locked in a house all weekend trying to record an EP, so I guess she knows me pretty well by now.)
I realized it’s true…
An average day:
1. “I feel nauseous…do you think I might have ________?!!” (insert name of random, rare disease that is immediately “cured” once I eat something).
2. “I have an idea for the blog! PLEASE BE QUIET FOR A MINUTE SO I CAN FOCUS.”
3. “Why are you being so quiet? I feel like you’re ignoring me. Did I do something wrong?!”
4. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) doesn’t like me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (always) based on absolutely nothing.
5. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) is trying to DO SEX with me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (sometimes) based on absolutely nothing.
6. “I’d really feel a lot better if I had _______” (insert name of anything unhealthy, including but not limited to: Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos).
7. “I’m never consuming ______ (Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos) EVER AGAIN. I feel sick.”
7. “I get really uncomfortable playing my own music for people in the car.”
8. “…but…do you want to hear some of it?”
9. “I’m really sorry for being so neurotic.”
10. “…but, I mean, between us…would you consider me a neurotic person?”
I love and appreciate the people who deal with me on a daily basis.
Except for my bandmate. She’s really killing my concentration right now.
