Archive | late night ramblings RSS feed for this section

Neighbor

21 Dec

My neighbor is currently banging around his apartment, yelling things like “Fuck!” and “I DARE you.”

(I don’t think there is anyone else in the apartment with him, so I am highly curious as to who he is daring to do what.)

These shouts are accompanied by what sounds like bowling (?), scraping noises, and things being thrown.

Once I heard him having sex, and the young lady he was…sexing starting singing a Bruno Mars song after it was over. I had to Google the lyrics to make sure, but yes, it was Bruno Mars.

I feel as though I lost the right to complain about neighborly matters when the arsonist downstairs torched my old apartment. (While I was inside, but that’s a post for another time.)

Really, all I feel like writing about lately is Melrose Place.

I have so much to say: the haircuts, the convertibles, the backstabbing…it’s all too much! On the episode I’m watching right now a character has AMNESIA and there’s a briefcase full of money! Why can’t my neighbors be like the ones on MP? We could all hang out and have pool parties and occasionally a few scandals here and there.

Anyway, would you all still read this if it was a completely Melrose-centric blog for awhile? No? It’s ok, I rarely follow through with these ideas anyway.

An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard

16 Sep

An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard

Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.

I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.

All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?

…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!

The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.

The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.

This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.

Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.

And I think you should consider an alternate career.

I just need to make sure we’re on the same page…

4 Sep

“You’re like a wind-up toy. I never know what you’ll run into or what you’ll say.”

My friend Jesse told me that one night when I asked him how he could possibly handle hanging out with me.

(that was when I drank a lot.)

I don’t anymore, but that’s a story for another time.

Today, my bandmate pointed out that I tend to repeat the same phrases over and over.

(we’ve been locked in a house all weekend trying to record an EP, so I guess she knows me pretty well by now.)

I realized it’s true…

An average day:

1. “I feel nauseous…do you think I might have ________?!!” (insert name of random, rare disease that is immediately “cured” once I eat something).

2. “I have an idea for the blog! PLEASE BE QUIET FOR A MINUTE SO I CAN FOCUS.”

3. “Why are you being so quiet? I feel like you’re ignoring me. Did I do something wrong?!”

4. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) doesn’t like me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (always) based on absolutely nothing.

5. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) is trying to DO SEX with me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (sometimes) based on absolutely nothing.

6. “I’d really feel a lot better if I had _______” (insert name of anything unhealthy, including but not limited to: Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos).

7. “I’m never consuming ______ (Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos) EVER AGAIN. I feel sick.”

7. “I get really uncomfortable playing my own music for people in the car.”

8. “…but…do you want to hear some of it?”

9. “I’m really sorry for being so neurotic.”

10. “…but, I mean, between us…would you consider me a neurotic person?”

I love and appreciate the people who deal with me on a daily basis.

Except for my bandmate. She’s really killing my concentration right now.

rap game

21 Aug

Earlier tonight a crowd of people gathered around me in a parking lot and asked me to “spit some ill rhymes.”

They said they heard I was a rapper. My friend must have told them that. He would…

They were mostly white kids who looked 12.

I said, “I only freestyle on my own terms.”

Apparently that earned me “cred” & “mad respect”.

I like having those things.

I even got a free pizza.

So maybe I really will become a rapper.

Stranger things have happened.

How was your night?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.