I’m currently designing business cards but I keep running into this problem:what do I list as my career?! I kind of do…a lot of the careers. Or at least a few of them. Sort of. I think I will just go with:
You know, keep it nice and vague. Keep the people guessing. Leave them wanting more. More…consulting. Yeeeeah.
Aaaaaanyway, here is a (partial) list of careers I would have in my perfect dream life, and my gross misinterpretations of what said careers would actually entail:
I am qualified for this career because I own a Michael Kors trenchcoat and also because one time my psychic told me that I AM ALSO A PSYCHIC! I can use that to solve crimes! Just imagine…lurkin’ in corners, crackin’ the case. I got this.
2. Motivational Speaker
Sometimes people ask me for advice, and I give them the advice, and they thank me and buy me a drink. So I already consider myself a motivational speaker of sorts, because my speech obviously motivates them. But in my fantasy life I will take this to the next level. I will tour college campuses, motivating students left and right. Imagine it. This song comes over the PA:
I saunter on stage and wait patiently for the applause to die down. I speak, motivationally, about “achieving your potential” and “positive thinking”. At the end of the presentation the students leave feeling motivated about their futures, high on hope and Rockstar Energy Drink (who will be sponsoring the tour). Then everyone will buy my book, which leads me to my next career….
I’m working on a self-help/motivational book called “All You Have to Do is Ask”. It’s about how you can make all your wildest dreams come true just by…asking. Seriously. If you want something just ask for it. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the outcome. The idea came to me when I was hanging outside of a local venue and I REALLY wanted a pizza, but I was broke. A man walked out of the pizza place next door.
I said to the man, “I’m starving. Will you make me a cheesy pizza?”
“Sure.” he replied.
I sure wasn’t expecting that answer! 15 minutes later he emerged from the restaurant with an extra large cheesy pizza. It was enough for me and all of my friends to share. I felt like a hero that night. A pizza hero. The best kind of hero to be.
4. Fashion Guru
Not to be confused with fashion stylist. A fashion guru is someone all of the people look to for style advice. Someone like Tim Gunn. When I was in middle school I had a fashion advice blog (I think it was a Geocities page or something. Geocities. Ha.) Adults would ask me things like, “Is it ok to wear linen to an afternoon wedding?”. I always told them to wear something less boring. I’m not sure if they took the advice or not because I got bored and abandoned the blog altogether.
I might have missed my chance to be a fashion guru. I might have peaked in middle school.
(Not technically a career but this IS my fantasy life we are talking about.)
When I was a kid teachers would always ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My classmates would answer with things like “architect” or “veterinarian”.
Me? I always went with mermaid. I’m still working on it. I have the hair pretty much down, and I can sing. However, my swimming skills still need improvement…