I am a fashion reporter for a semi-popular, semi-relevant website. Last weekend I received an assignment to interview designer Jay McCarroll. He is a Very Important Fashion Person. I’m not exactly sure how I got this job, but it’s the first time my journalism degree has ever been of any benefit to me. So, naturally, I’ve been procrastinating heavily. Anyway, I created this list of things to do if you want to miss your article deadline and lose your Semi (not really) Glamorous Writing Job.
1. Instead of writing from the solitude of your own home, go to the loudest, busiest coffee shop you can find. Bonus points if said coffee shop is blaring loud electro-pop!
2. Order a drink containing roughly 3 times the amount of caffeine you normally ingest on an average day. Or an average week.
3. Spend at least 5 minutes admiring the pattern of the foam in your latte. Decide you need to photograph this beautiful fall foam pattern, because the Internet definitely needs more generic pictures of coffee. Post the photograph to Instagram.
4. Sit no more than 3 feet away from a Loud Screaming Baby. It is imperative that you choose the loudest, screamiest (yes, I just penned that word) baby in the place. Bonus points if the baby has had a lot of coffee to drink.
5. If you cannot find a Loud Screaming Baby, sit directly behind a Highly Intriguing Person. Make sure you have a full view of their laptop screen. Discreetly spy on them.
6. Log in to Facebook. It is imperative that you have the chat function enabled. Decide that now is a good time to respond to questions from the Indian fan base you mysteriously acquired. (Yes, this is a Thing That Happened. I regularly receive email/Facebook requests from aspiring Bollywood actors. They are all under the false impression that I am very famous here and can help them succeed in acting.)
7. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend obsessively checking the battery life indicator on your laptop adds up to no less than 1 hour.
8. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend daydreaming about fronting a Rush tribute band adds up to no less than 2 hours. Bonus points if you compose an imaginary setlist.
9. Give up and realize you will never be a serious writer…
10. …because you can’t even compose a list of 10 ways to FAIL as a writer.