An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard
Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.
I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.
All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?
…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!
The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.
The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.
This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.
Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.
And I think you should consider an alternate career.
I love this.