Archive | September, 2011

How Not to Meet Your Writing Deadline

21 Sep

I am a fashion reporter for a semi-popular, semi-relevant website. Last weekend I received an assignment to interview designer Jay McCarroll. He is a Very Important Fashion Person. I’m not exactly sure how I got this job, but it’s the first time my journalism degree has ever been of any benefit to me. So, naturally, I’ve been procrastinating heavily. Anyway, I created this list of things to do if you want to miss your article deadline and lose your Semi (not really) Glamorous Writing Job.

1. Instead of writing from the solitude of your own home, go to the loudest, busiest coffee shop you can find. Bonus points if said coffee shop is blaring loud electro-pop!

2. Order a drink containing roughly 3 times the amount of caffeine you normally ingest on an average day. Or an average week.

3. Spend at least 5 minutes admiring the pattern of the foam in your latte. Decide you need to photograph this beautiful fall foam pattern, because the Internet definitely needs more generic pictures of coffee. Post the photograph to Instagram.

4. Sit no more than 3 feet away from a Loud Screaming Baby. It is imperative that you choose the loudest, screamiest (yes, I just penned that word) baby in the place. Bonus points if the baby has had a lot of coffee to drink.

5. If you cannot find a Loud Screaming Baby, sit directly behind a Highly Intriguing Person. Make sure you have a full view of their laptop screen. Discreetly spy on them.

6. Log in to Facebook. It is imperative that you have the chat function enabled. Decide that now is a good time to respond to questions from the Indian fan base you mysteriously acquired. (Yes, this is a Thing That Happened. I regularly receive email/Facebook requests from aspiring Bollywood actors. They are all under the false impression that I am very famous here and can help them succeed in acting.)

7. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend obsessively checking the battery life indicator on your laptop adds up to no less than 1 hour.

8. Make sure the cumulative amount of time you spend daydreaming about fronting a Rush tribute band adds up to no less than 2 hours. Bonus points if you compose an imaginary setlist.

9. Give up and realize you will never be a serious writer…

10. …because you can’t even compose a list of 10 ways to FAIL as a writer.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard

16 Sep

An Open Letter to my Neighborhood Crossing Guard

Crossing guard, I am getting a passive agressive vibe.
Do you need to talk?
Did I do something to anger you?
Are you having problems in your personal life?
if you would just take the time to get to know me, i think you would like me.

I am confused by your presence here, Crossing Guard.
This is not a school zone,
nor does the area receive a heavy flow of pedestrian traffic.

All of the drivers are so confused:
Is it my turn? His turn? Her turn?
IS IT ANYBODY’S TURN?!
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY TURN.
Don’t you realize I have an Important Place to be?

…AGAIN with the whistle? Really?!

The whistle haunts my dreams.
In my nightmares you are a witch.
Your witch hat is fashioned from an orange traffic cone.

The gentleman in the Impala chose to disobey your commands.
He breezed by you-an outlaw. A deviant. A hero of the people.
The gentleman in the Impala is my hero.

This reminds me of school,
when I used to get in trouble.
They said I “had a problem with authority figures”.

Crossing Guard, I didn’t have a problem with you.
(until you made me late for my haircut).
Because of you, I did not arrive at my destination on time.
Because of you, I am now considering taking an alternate route.

And I think you should consider an alternate career.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Careers I have in my Fantasy Life

14 Sep

I’m currently designing business cards but I keep running into this problem:what do I list as my career?! I kind of do…a lot of the careers. Or at least a few of them. Sort of. I think I will just go with:

Nichole Jackson
consultant.

You know, keep it nice and vague. Keep the people guessing. Leave them wanting more. More…consulting. Yeeeeah.

Aaaaaanyway, here is a (partial) list of careers I would have in my perfect dream life, and my gross misinterpretations of what said careers would actually entail:

1. Detective/Spy
I am qualified for this career because I own a Michael Kors trenchcoat and also because one time my psychic told me that I AM ALSO A PSYCHIC! I can use that to solve crimes! Just imagine…lurkin’ in corners, crackin’ the case. I got this.

2. Motivational Speaker

Sometimes people ask me for advice, and I give them the advice, and they thank me and buy me a drink. So I already consider myself a motivational speaker of sorts, because my speech obviously motivates them. But in my fantasy life I will take this to the next level. I will tour college campuses, motivating students left and right. Imagine it. This song comes over the PA:

I saunter on stage and wait patiently for the applause to die down. I speak, motivationally, about “achieving your potential” and “positive thinking”. At the end of the presentation the students leave feeling motivated about their futures, high on hope and Rockstar Energy Drink (who will be sponsoring the tour). Then everyone will buy my book, which leads me to my next career….

3.Author
I’m working on a self-help/motivational book called “All You Have to Do is Ask”. It’s about how you can make all your wildest dreams come true just by…asking. Seriously. If you want something just ask for it. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the outcome. The idea came to me when I was hanging outside of a local venue and I REALLY wanted a pizza, but I was broke. A man walked out of the pizza place next door.

I said to the man, “I’m starving. Will you make me a cheesy pizza?”

“Sure.” he replied.

I sure wasn’t expecting that answer! 15 minutes later he emerged from the restaurant with an extra large cheesy pizza. It was enough for me and all of my friends to share. I felt like a hero that night. A pizza hero. The best kind of hero to be.

4. Fashion Guru
Not to be confused with fashion stylist. A fashion guru is someone all of the people look to for style advice. Someone like Tim Gunn. When I was in middle school I had a fashion advice blog (I think it was a Geocities page or something. Geocities. Ha.) Adults would ask me things like, “Is it ok to wear linen to an afternoon wedding?”. I always told them to wear something less boring. I’m not sure if they took the advice or not because I got bored and abandoned the blog altogether.

I might have missed my chance to be a fashion guru. I might have peaked in middle school.

5. Mermaid
(Not technically a career but this IS my fantasy life we are talking about.)

When I was a kid teachers would always ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

My classmates would answer with things like “architect” or “veterinarian”.

Me? I always went with mermaid. I’m still working on it. I have the hair pretty much down, and I can sing. However, my swimming skills still need improvement…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Despondent (I just like that word)

12 Sep

A few weeks ago I was at the mall with my friend Isaac (who will hereby be referred to as Fashion Soulmate). We met this kid who worked there. He seemed absolutely miserable (retail will do that to you). We bought him some Sour Patch Kids in a lame attempt to cheer him up. It…kind of worked? Or maybe he was just happy we finally left his store.

Annnnnyway, here’s a silly video of Adam and I goofing around trying to write a song about despondent retail workers.

(very much a work in progress. and before anyone asks: 1.no, i don’t think suicide is something to be taken lightly 2. no, i’m not stoned 3. yes, i do always look like a weird alien/bobblehead doll.shut up. 4. no, the guy in the video is not single. 5.yes, we did write this in ten minutes.)

Tags: , , , , , ,

baby

6 Sep

My friend let me borrow her iPad while my laptop was (allegedly) being repaired. I took it the coffee shop so I could work on the blog.

(Sidenote: Do you have ANY IDEA how difficult it is to type on an iPad?! I don’t understand how that’s a thing people do. But I did it. For you. The readers.)

A stranger noticed the desktop background.

“That’s a cute baby.” he said.

I gave him a quizzical look.

“Is that your baby?” he asked.

“What? I don’t know who this kid is. What are you talking about?”

(I hadn’t really noticed the background before or given it any thought).

This person probably assumes I’m a creepy weirdo who collects pictures of random babies.

Turns out it’s a picture of my friend’s niece. In case you were wondering.

Tags: , , , ,

listen

4 Sep

People (myself included) talk too much and don’t listen enough.

I was feeling frustrated about this the other day, and then I got this email from my mom, out of the blue:

“Don’t ever forget that it is best to listen much, speak little, and not become angry.”
-James 1:19

…funny how these things work.

I could ramble on about it, but I think I just need to be quiet for now.

Tags: , , , , ,

I just need to make sure we’re on the same page…

4 Sep

“You’re like a wind-up toy. I never know what you’ll run into or what you’ll say.”

My friend Jesse told me that one night when I asked him how he could possibly handle hanging out with me.

(that was when I drank a lot.)

I don’t anymore, but that’s a story for another time.

Today, my bandmate pointed out that I tend to repeat the same phrases over and over.

(we’ve been locked in a house all weekend trying to record an EP, so I guess she knows me pretty well by now.)

I realized it’s true…

An average day:

1. “I feel nauseous…do you think I might have ________?!!” (insert name of random, rare disease that is immediately “cured” once I eat something).

2. “I have an idea for the blog! PLEASE BE QUIET FOR A MINUTE SO I CAN FOCUS.”

3. “Why are you being so quiet? I feel like you’re ignoring me. Did I do something wrong?!”

4. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) doesn’t like me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (always) based on absolutely nothing.

5. “I really feel that _______ (insert name of random mutual acquaintance) is trying to DO SEX with me. I just get that vibe.” This is usually (sometimes) based on absolutely nothing.

6. “I’d really feel a lot better if I had _______” (insert name of anything unhealthy, including but not limited to: Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos).

7. “I’m never consuming ______ (Rockstar Energy Drink, Jameson, nachos) EVER AGAIN. I feel sick.”

7. “I get really uncomfortable playing my own music for people in the car.”

8. “…but…do you want to hear some of it?”

9. “I’m really sorry for being so neurotic.”

10. “…but, I mean, between us…would you consider me a neurotic person?”

I love and appreciate the people who deal with me on a daily basis.

Except for my bandmate. She’s really killing my concentration right now.

Tags: , , ,

cover letter

1 Sep

I applied for a job at a restaurant. I haven’t worked at a restaurant since…high school, maybe? So, I tried to win them over with wit and charm.

What follows is the actual cover letter I submitted.

Dear Ms. Norman:

While I may not have quite as much food service experience as some of your other applicants, I’m confident I would be a valuable asset to your establishment. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Working as an actress for the past 5 years has taught me to be outgoing and personable at all times, even when I don’t feel like it. So, even if I secretly can’t stand certain customers, or I’m having a bad day, no one will know. I’ve even played a server in movies. Twice!

2. Many of my friends work at Jackson’s. I won’t mention specific names since everyone hates a name dropper. Anyway, I come here to visit them often which has resulted in me becoming quite familiar with the menu. As a frequent customer, I can already tell I would get along with the rest of the staff swimmingly. No need to worry about inner-restaurant drama here.

3. Aside from the occasional glass of white wine, I’m not really much of a drinker. So, you won’t have to worry about me showing up to work hungover. This will also come in handy when you need me to cover someone’s shift at a moment’s notice. I don’t smoke, either, so I won’t require any cigarette breaks.

I came up with a much longer list of reasons why you should hire me, but I wanted to keep this brief. I know you’re very busy.

In all seriousness, I would love to be a part of the Jackson’s team. Please contact me when you are interested in scheduling an interview.

Best regards,

Nichole Jackson

I have yet to receive a call back, but apparently the letter has been quite the hit with the employees. The ones I would get along with. Swimmingly.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.